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Once Upon a time with God

This is the post excerpt.

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Once upon a time – isn’t that how all great stories start.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful lonely girl…

Once upon a time in a faraway land…

Life is full of once upon a times but not like in a book you might read.

Once upon a time there was a lonely person feeling oh so lost and alone – she smiled the smile, walked the walk and talked the talk, afraid to let the world see the real her.  She knew that God saw her in all her imperfection and sin and that offered comfort because she knew that God wouldn’t reject her, this girl all so lost and alone.  This girl so wants to focus on God and not the feelings that tear her apart, not the fear of rejection, the fear for her child, the worry – yes that Sin – one of the sin that God hates with all that he is.  It’s so easy to say God’s got this, and believe with your head and know that God’s got this – maybe not in the way you really want him to have it – perfect life anyone?  No God’s got this in a way that can grow you if you’ll just have FAITH.

Is it going to hurt at times – oh yea so much pain but oh the JOY.

 

Psalm 30[a]

A psalm. A song. For the dedication of the temple.[b] Of David.

I will exalt you, Lord,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
Lord my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.
You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit.

Sing the praises of the Lord, you his faithful people;
praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.

 

What comes with this pain and fear is the need to lean on God – lay all your troubles at his feet.  Those troubles will be eased.  Focus on each and every day, one day at a time, one prayer at a time and the pain and fear will ease – there will be moments, long moments when you seem to only concentrate on the negative side of life but thanks to God there is always a positive side.

Matthew 6:33

 

33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

 

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The Origin of Fairies

Anglesea, Wales

In the Savior’s time, there was a woman who had lots of children. Ashamed of being so “prolific” she hid some of her children. Once he had left she went to find her hidden children, but they had all disappeared. This was her punishment for hiding what God had given her. It is “said these her offspring have generated the race called fairies. (pitt.edu)

Wales

Old Kaddy was a baby-farmer. One day she went into the woods to get sticks for farming, but instead found a piece of gold. Old Kaddy had pretended to be poor, but with the gold, she bought fine clothes for two of her favorites children. A man came by and asked to see the kids she had. Old Kaddy brought out the two children she didn’t like, as they still wore rags, and hid the two finely dressed children. Suspicious of Old Kaddy the stranger approached the hidden children’s hiding place but found that they were not there. The children had turned into fairies and were invisible. (pitt.edu)

Ireland

Fairies are fallen angels that were cast out of heaven for sinful pride. Some fell in the sea, dry land, or hell. Fairies of earth and sea are gentle and beautiful and will do no harm if left alone. Even so, the people were prepared with fire to stop witchcraft and evil. (pitt.edu)

There is Always Love

Today marks two years since you’ve been gone. I miss you more than words can say, more than I could ever express in words. The closer tomorrow comes the more tears I shed. Sunday as I drove to church tears just welled up in my eyes, my heart knew what was coming up this week. I still miss our every day, multiple times a day phone calls and texts. I miss you, I could probably say that 100 times a day, I miss you mom. For a few weeks I actually had dreams in which you were still here, now even in my dreams I knew I was dreaming but I really wanted to hold onto those dreams a little bit longer, just a little bit more time.

I’ve gone to your Facebook page many a time just to send you a message about what’s been going on, the good, the bad, the crazy. There are days I could go on and on about how much you are missed and how you are still so loved. Yep people still remember you with so much love.

A few weeks ago we sang a song at Easter – Were It Not For Grace – I am so thankful for God’s grace and that you were so involved in me finding God’s grace. Funny as I child I loved going to church, I never felt like I was “drug” there. Then life got in the way and Baptist Churches got a lot harder to find when you find yourself living in a predominantly Catholic area. Then there were those pesky blue laws that were repealed making Sunday’s harder to find time for church and family.
Once we moved to Ohio it was eventually my turn to get us back to church. We were so truly blessed by the church home we found. VBS was so much fun, Wednesday night dinners with Cindy, Betty, Mary, Jane and Ruth were good too. People still tell me how much they miss you in the choir.

Once we moved to Ohio we gained another family as well and we had many good times and some really sad times with our Ohio family. Family Thanksgivings were always interesting, I miss that family time.

The memories live on, the love will always live on. I am so truly grateful for the times we had, the good, the bad, the down right scary. The adventures and there were many. We were and kind of still are, at least some of us, a family that drives rather than flies. I learned never over indulge in cherries from Michigan when you are driving home to Buffalo. I learned family vacations are crazy but the best. I learned that love rules. Fried chicken made by you was always good for a road trip. I have a hard time eating potato salad that isn’t made yours and since Morgan doesn’t eat potato salad I don’t really eat it but I can tell you I miss it. I miss Black Friday shopping with you and standing in line at Joann Fabrics while you waited in the line to have fleece cut so you could make blankets and pajamas.

There are so many things I could say and I truly wish I could be more mom fluent in this post. All I truly know is that my heart is still sad. I also know that one day we will see each other again and I am so excited for that day. Although my heart is sad today I choose to celebrate you and the life you lived. You lived with love, grace, faith and dignity and if I’m really lucky my life will be just as wonderful, crazy and filled with all of the above.
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Col. 3:15 – Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.

I am truly thankful that God made you my mom. Love you always!!

Simply Single

Today a friend asked me a question – would I date if the opportunity arose. My answer yes, then I went on to explain that more than anything I would just like a guy friend to hang out with, just casual. Why, one reason might be that I feel like I shouldn’t ask for more than that. I’ve had opportunities, but they weren’t the right time or the right person, so my mind tells me. Maybe there was a right guy, maybe I blew it and maybe that isn’t God’s plan for me. Do I question that, I sure do but sometimes we just don’t get the answers. I’ve known love, not the lasting love that I wish I had, not the kind of love that I would like to last but I have known love.

God gave me two great gifts, my salvation and my daughter, sometimes I think I wanted a child more than I wanted that love. I honestly don’t talk about not wanting to be alone and feeling alone because I don’t have that special guy in my life. I know I’m not alone, I have friends who love me, family, a wonderful daughter and I have God.

Maybe I feel like I don’t deserve that special guy in my life, maybe that is God’s plan for me. Maybe God’s plan for me is for me to focus on the messiness that is my life and clean up after myself. I don’t know.

Is it hard to watch other people have that special someone in their lives, sometimes there is envy and jealousy but I push it away, I can’t live my life feeling envious, it won’t move me in a forward direction.

Maybe past mistakes in my life have left me with out the hope of finding someone to share my crazy life. Being single makes me feel left out, sometimes but it doesn’t make me less.

Maybe I need to learn to open myself up to doors that are being knocked on.
Of course there was a time when my daughter would happily tell me that you don’t need anyone. Now there are times she might wish that I could find someone, she always says you can date, I think sometimes she would like to see me work less, or not worry about money but in the end we have enough.

Life is a crazy thing, maybe one day I’ll open the door when someone is knocking and find what I think I’ve been looking for and then again maybe I’ll find that God always had me where he wanted me to be.

Being single isn’t always fun and maybe not where I wanted to be but I have known love and am loved in my life and I can live with being simply single.

psalm 138

Wonderfully, beautifully made by God

From an early age I knew that my daughter was never going to be like other girls. She does normal girl things except at this stage in life dresses are awful things, makeup well umm no thanks. I know that she loves her friends and will fiercely protect them but she also likes her alone time. She plays nicely with others but when she’s ready for alone time, she’s ready. I remember receiving a text from a friend when she was in kindergarten or first grade letting me know that she was alone on the playground. My friend wanted to know if everything was okay, I honestly didn’t know I wasn’t there at that moment. My girl is my only child but she’s not an only sibling. She’s my oldest, middle and youngest but when it comes to her other siblings, she’s the middle child. Now how that translates into her life I don’t know other than she is loved.

She’s never been much of a joiner, when she was younger and we played games, well her rules didn’t always match up with the actual rules, she likes to win. Nowadays she seems to be seen with her ear buds attached to her ears as much as possible. Her music gives her a peace. I’ve learned that even with earbuds in she hears what is being said, she’s not the most social child but when she’s in she’s all in. She has never been one to clamor for attention, I think it’s something she learned at a young age, if someone didn’t want to listen to her she just gave up and moved on. She adapts, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt her, it means that she chooses to not let the hurt rule her life. It also means that she keeps that hurt to herself.
This girl loves fiercely, her love is unfailing. These past few months she has talked more and more about her grandma and how much she is like her and pretty much how much she loves being like her. She’s proud of who her grandma was and proud that so much of her seems to be in her. She always says she more like her grandmother because I’m too nice and her grandma was tough.

I love the saying never judge a book by its cover. Opening that cover to actually read the book can bring so much into your life – love, friendship, protection, heartache, redemption and the list goes on. One of the things I know about my daughter is she is wonderfully and fearfully made by God and although there have been trials along the way and there will be more trials along the way, along with triumphs I am so truly blessed by this girl. I’ve opened the book and I love watching this girl grow and I can’t wait to see what God has planned for her.

Jeremiah 29:11-13English Standard Version (ESV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare[a] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

Never Ending Season of Change

You would think as time goes by that you would get used to certain things in life. Friendships changing, some being left in the dust. You would think that feeling like you feel always on the outside and never on the inside would fade, after all it’s always there, but it doesn’t. You would think that worrying would just fade to a dull roar especially when you always worry about the same things.

There are times I’m sure if I weren’t around no one would miss me. I am pretty sure we all or most all of us go through times when no matter how many friends you still can feel alone. I think I am the queen of being in a crowd and feeling alone.

It’s funny – my daughter does so many things like me. I don’t often admit that, because I am much better at masking my social anxiety and pushing through. It’s so easy to retreat though. I might happen upon the fringe of a crowd and if I can’t find a way to fit in I’ll walk away, she does the same thing.

It’s tough watching your friends on Facebook go and have fun and you’re alone. Actually being alone isn’t horrible, most of the time I can deal with it. I worry about when I get old and am sick, who will be there for me. I have a friend who’s gone through hell and back but her husband is by her side, loving her and taking care of her. She is blessed with a wonderful and truly Godly man. My mom was blessed with a wonderful man who loved her and took such wonderful care of her and now they are both gone and my heart hurts at the loss. One just over a year old and the other over 6 months old.

I know one day my beautiful daughter will find someone to love her like she so deserves to be loved, I pray he’s a Godly man who cherishes all of her and who loves her through everything, the good and bad, the ups and downs, through health and illness. I just pray that my daughter will open her heart to all that God has in store for her and not close it off.

I guess maybe I should pray that God opens up my heart to all that He has in store for me. That he helps me to find ways to be less busy and more about him. I’m always busy with work, church work and just trying to squeeze as much as I can into 24 hours, so much that I forget to find time for God. I do manage to squeeze in minutes of time but finding real time…

I know that if I spend more time with God, my life would be better, not perfect by any means, there will always be trials but at least there would be more peace and more joy because of God, because of the peace he brings with knowing him and trusting him. Today I pray for peace but praise God through it all.

Col. 3:15 – Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.

Alone in a crowd of people who love me

Today I sat alone in church, surrounded by friends who I know love me and I felt alone. I’m sure that many people feel that way at times. I knew I should be focusing on the worship and the message both of which I enjoyed, except for the moment when I had to run out to see if help was needed elsewhere.

Some days my “aloneness” doesn’t bother me, I’m never truly alone, even when it seems I am God is with me. Sometimes I wish, I wish for a guy who would be there for me when I’m sad and heartbroken so that they could wrap their arms around me while grieve about things that are lost. People that are no longer here either on earth or in my life, lost friends, lost loves.

The aloneness makes you feel undeserving and unlovable. Sometimes I know I really am unlovable through actions and words. I want to someone worth loving and I know that in God’s eyes I always am. He made me and I am so truly thankful for that.

This place here on earth, is not forever and I truly want to be someone who shows up and love to others, I want to shine for God. I want to be someone that others can come to when they feel alone in a crowd of people who love them.

It’s so easy to show love in good times, it gets hard in the bad times and I want to be there in all the times. I look at things I’ve done in the past and wonder how I can think that I could be used by God in a way that would touch someone’s life, that would bring them closer to God.

Do I do it through being as transparent as possible? By opening my heart and arms to welcome people in who need to know that there is always hope in God? Do I do it quietly through worship and actions?

No matter how alone you might feel in a crowd of people who love you there is always someone who can use an encouraging smile, word or touch. I heard a song today that I needed to hear by Jordan Feliz

Beloved
Jordan Feliz
Head full of questions, how can you measure up?
To deserve affection, to ever be enough
For this existence
When did it get so hard?
Your heart is beating, alive and breathing
And there’s a reason why
You are essential, not accidental
And you should realize

You are beloved
I wanted you to know
You are beloved
Let it soak into your soul
Oh, forget the lies you heard
Rise above the hurt
And listen to these words
You are beloved
I want you to know
You are beloved
You-ou-ou, you-ou-ou, you, you are beloved

Sometimes a heart can feel like a heavy weight
It pulls you under and you just fall away
Is anybody gonna hear you call? (Oh oh)
But there’s a purpose
Under the surface
And you don’t have to drown
Let me remind you
That love will find you
Let it lift you out
You are beloved
I wanted you to know

You are beloved
Let it soak into your soul
Oh, forget the lies you heard
Rise above the hurt
And listen to these words
You are beloved
I wanted you to know
You are beloved
Don’t be afraid
Don’t let hope fade
Keep your eyes fixed on the light above
In the heartbreak, in your mistakes
Nothing can separate you from love
Don’t be afraid
Don’t let hope fade
Keep you eyes fixed on the light above
In the heartbreak, in your mistakes
Nothing can separate you from love

You are beloved
I wanted you to know (you to know)
You are beloved
Let it soak into your soul
Forget the lies you heard
Rise above the hurt
And listen to these words
You are beloved
I wanted you to know
You are beloved
You-ou-ou, you-ou-ou, you, you are beloved
You-ou-ou, you-ou-ou, you, you are beloved (yeah)
Don’t be afraid
Don’t let hope fade
Keep your eyes fixed on the light above (you are beloved)
In the heartbreak, in your mistakes
Nothing can separate you from love
You are beloved

Always remember you are loved by God and you are NEVER truly alone.

Celebrate

A year ago tomorrow my life and several other changed forever. Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of my mom Betty Murphy gaining her angels wings. It’s been a tough year full of sadness and more loss. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss you, think about your or wish that we had more time mom, but I know that you are in God’s company and are no longer in pain.
Sunday while singing during Easter services, I thought of you and how much you loved to worship and dance and the tears just flowed. I miss you being in the choir. I love how people loved to watch you worship. I’m sure you were singing and dancing yesterday in heaven.
I can’t believe it’s been a year – the time has gone quickly and slowly all at once. Every time I see a picture of a sport that any of your grandchildren play or I learn of their newest achievements I miss you even more. I know that you loved your grandkids and you enjoyed watching them and cheering them on in everything they did. You were so proud of them all. I wish you were here to see them through all the changes in their lives but I know that you live on in their hearts and I know you are still cheering them on.
Every time I write about you I wish I could find the words to describe just how incredible you were, what an inspiration you were. Mom we definitely had our ups and downs but we had so much fun and so much love, my heart is overwhelmed by that love The memories – some very good, some incredibly sad, so many good times filled with love, family and laughter. These memories I will cherish forever.
Tomorrow there will be smiles and tears but I will try to find a way to celebrate your life and you. I miss and love you!!! One day we will be together in heaven and oh what a celebration that will be.